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External News
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WASHINGTON—"The time has come for our ugly, intolerant rhetoric to step into the 21st century. Our disgusting, dehumanizing slurs simply must reflect the terrifying new global society we now live in," said American Racists and Bigots Council chairman Tom Branson.
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BOSTON—NASCAR and the National Hockey League announced Wednesday they would punish Sprint Cup driver Carl Edwards for hitting Boston center Marc Savard with his No. 99 Ford Fusion stock car late in the third period...
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PITTSBURGH—In the wake of sexual assault allegations made against Ben Roethlisberger by a Georgia college student, nervous Steelers fans across the nation speculated that the supposed victim was most likely a conniving harpy...
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SACRAMENTO, CA—Bishop Robert K. Boland of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Sacramento announced Monday that, although he remains a devoted servant of God and the Catholic Church, he has become tired of the same old church scene.
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ORLANDO, FL—Continuing a tradition that stretches back to his early years with the Miami Heat, Magic head coach Stan Van Gundy routinely presents his players with classic barbecue cookbooks to inspire them and provide insights during road trips.
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After resigning amidst allegations of sexual harassment, former Rep. Eric Massa (D-NY) told Larry King and Glenn Beck that he was targeted by the...
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HAVERFORD, PA—Officials investigating the tragic suicide of local man Thomas Ingraham told reporters Tuesday they have determined that the...
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Redmond, WA - Bill Gates announced today that he found $1 billion dollars in cash in the back of his closet behind some old DOS manuals, which propels him back to the top of the Forbes "Richest Person in the World" list ahead of Carlos Slim.
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Your Attention Please - An article on reclaiming your attention. Party Place - Wisconsin is the place to go for bars. Lessons from Einstein - Life lessons you can learn from Einstein. OK Go Away - The band OK Go leaves their label and starts their own. Not too surprising is it? Jetpack for Sale - I think geeks could have some fun with one of these. The DMCA Sucks - As if you didn't already know that. Portal 2 - Looks like I'm going to have ... [ read more] |
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Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
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DES MOINES, IA—Only when Steve Gibson started getting enraged by mustard-related issues did he realize he had become entangled in a dense, thickening web of mustard obsession. "I saw my wife put French's mustard on a bologna sandwich and I just lost control," he said.
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WASHINGTON, DC--In a mandatory, nationwide health initiative many Americans are dreading, all U.S. citizens will be tested for scoliosis Friday.
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Rich and Lisa Shaw say there were no warning signs that their 300-pound Burmese Python would crush and eat their 3 year old son.
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It's tragic how people treat doctors in this day and age. The lack of respect for the education and training medical professionals go through,...
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Actress Lindsay Lohan filed a lawsuit against the Internet brokerage E*Trade over a commercial featuring a talking baby named Lindsay who suffers...
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NEW YORK—Cool guys Shawn Goldstein, 26 (left) and Walt Traxel, 26 (right) just hang out Thursday afternoon. Please check back in for updates as The Onion continues to follow this developing story.
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Google Apps - The Google App marketplace. Big Tree - Let's just hope it's not an Ent. Star Wars Minis - Patterns to make Star Wars mini figures from yarn. Canadian Flush - What if everyone in Canada flushed at the same time? They did during the Olympic hockey game. Bomb-proof Suits - How they work. Sabotage Galactica - A remake of the Beastie Boys Sabotage video using footage from Battlestar Galactica. Tron Legacy Trailer - New trailer for ... [ read more] |
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The ACTA Treaty is trying to do an end around the laws of countries by secretly enacting "3 strikes" laws against "pirates." Get reported 3 times for violation copyright, and get kicked off the Internet forever. This is patently ridiculous in so many ways, but if you're going to enact a "3 strikes" law then here are some suggestions for the shadowy negotiators to ponder.
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The ACTA Treaty is trying to do an end around the laws of countries by secretly enacting "3 strikes" laws against "pirates." Get reported 3 times for violation copyright, and get kicked off the Internet forever. This is patently ridiculous in so many ways, but if you're going to enact a "3 strikes" law then here are some suggestions for the shadowy negotiators to ponder.
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Google Apps - The Google App marketplace. Big Tree - Let's just hope it's not an Ent. Star Wars Minis - Patterns to make Star Wars mini figures from yarn. Canadian Flush - What if everyone in Canada flushed at the same time? They did during the Olympic hockey game. Bomb-proof Suits - How they work. Sabotage Galactica - A remake of the Beastie Boys Sabotage video using footage from Battlestar Galactica. Tron Legacy Trailer - New trailer for ... [ read more] |
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Such good deals, how can I decide?
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Browser Showdown - Tom's Hardware tests 5 major browsers.Goodnight Forest Moon - The children's classic goes Star Wars. Twitter the Criterion Collection - Live version of Tweets and nothing but the Tweets. Popular Science - Popular Science has put their entire archives online just for you. Gollum Cake - I don't find that cake too appetizing, but it is very cool looking. Sony Lost Its Way - The decline of Sony. Older Dinosaurs - Dinosaurs are ... [ read more] |
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